You Must Mog Your Enemies
The Five-Minute Iliad, #17 & 18
This is another ongoing series as I do a slow-read of THE ILIAD by Homer, translated by Rouse. Previous installments: book 1 | 2 | 3 | 4| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 & 10 | 11 & 12 | 13 & 14 | 15 & 16 |
Names and Notes
So…the Rouse translation switches between different names for a few characters, whether it’s the first and last name, their nickname, their place of origin, etc. It can get confusing if you don’t track it. (For example: Zeus is also Cronides, meaning son of Cronos. Poseidon is also Earthshaker, Apollo is Shootafar, etc.)
But then Paris can also be Alexandros, and there are two different men called Ajax. I’ve been able to keep all that straight but I also know I’ve been inconsistent with my spellings (Glaucus and Glaucos, Patroclus and Patroclos.) My apologies. Just let it ride.
Also: I read into book 17 last week and thought I was still in book 16, so some of this week’s material has already been mentioned, lol. (Namely Hector taking Achilles’ armor from Patroclus.)
Dead Man’s Value
Book 17 is a huge battle laced with monologues between powerful figures as both sides fight over the corpse of Patroclus. This matters to the Greeks who are dying far from home and wish to rest forever in their own soil, and to the Trojans who wish to demoralize their opponents by defiling the body of their champion. Mogadishu, 1993? They want to do that. Why we ever let a single person from that country into ours astounds me, but we have not been run by real leaders for a long time. I digress.
Hector, that bastard, strips Achilles’ armor from Patroclus and puts it on, equipping all sorts of buffs and padding his stats, as one does. Zeus watches and has some chiding words about Hector’s recklessness, but he casts some divine effects that make the armor fit Hector all the same. Then the fight is on.
I’m not going to catalogue every blow and every line, suffice it to say that this is a combat-heavy chapter and Menelaus comes in clutch to defend Patroclus’ corpse, even as Hector tries like hell to drag it away. Apollo animates the Trojans. Athena animates the Greeks. Heavy hitters like Ajax and Aeneas come in.
Menelaus is finally able to get enough reinforcements to form a shield wall around Patroclus even though the Trojans are hitting them like a storm; Zeus still helps their spears find their targets, and even their bad throws are landing. With a moment’s respite, Menelaus sends a runner to tell Achilles what happened, though it won’t do much good because Achilles can’t fight without his armor. Then he coordinates with Ajax and they’re finally able to get Patroclus’ body off the ground, which really pisses off the Trojans, and from there it’s a running battle back to the ships, with Hector and Aeneas harrowing them the whole way.
Straight From The Forge
Menelaus’ runner, Antilochos, reaches Achilles with the news of Patroclus’ death. Our boy has an epic meltdown. It’s bad. Even the slave-hoes that he and Patroclus yoinked out of Troy are sad and they weep in solidarity. Achilles cries out so loud that his underwater mama hears it and comes running with her nymphettes in tow. The initial wave of grief passes and gives way to pure demigod rage, and Achilles swears he’s gonna beat the everloving piss out of Hector.
A normal mother would be like “Now son, that’s a bad idea, and you could get hurt,” but Thetis is like “Now son, that’s a bad idea, you’ve been doomed by the fates to die if you kill Hector, there is a prophesy and so forth, also you don’t have your armor anymore.”
A normal son would be like “Wait, Mom…prophesy?” but Achilles is like “Wait, Mom…armor?” and he asks her to call in a favor with Hephaestus, smith of the gods, to do a rush job but also make it the best work he’s ever performed, and try not to gouge him on the bill, this is for a very special occasion, also don’t cut any corners. Achilles knows a god across town who could do it for half-price but he likes Hephaestus and he’ll totally put a good review on Yelp if he delivers on time.
Thetis goes to Hephaestus to place the order, telling Achilles not to go to war until she comes back because he’s basically naked. But as soon as she’s gone, Iris rolls up on orders from Hera to tell Achilles that Hector wants to decapitate Patroclus’ corpse and that someone should stop him. High school never ends.
Achilles won’t disobey his mother directly but he’s got to do something, so he walks out to the edge of the battle where everyone can see him, and casts his +69 Divine Aura spell, which mogs the Trojan army back to the Stone Age. He gets a little help from Athena, who drapes the aegis of Zeus across his shoulders (it’s this epic pelt with golden tassels on it that equips the wearer with +23 Intimidation and other statmaxxings).
The Trojans succumb to instantaneous fear. Polydamas (which is a Greek name, but in Latin would mean “multiple chicks”) turns to Hector and is like “Uhhhhh we had a chance when this dude was out of the fight, but if he’s back, I’m spending the night behind our walls. Peace.”
Hector immediately poo-poos this idea with much boasting and self-assurance, opting instead to spend the night outside, then arm up at dawn and duke it out with Achilles and the Greeks. The army is like “Oh hell yeah, go Hector, wooooooo!” I love Homer’s bluntness here:
Hector’s advice was bad, and they praised him; Polydamas offered good counsel, and no one praised him.
Forget high school, politics never ends.
We finish this book with a trip up to Olympus. Hera and Zeus bicker over Achilles rejoining the fight, and Thetis pays a visit to Hephaestus to place the order. Hephaestus likes Thetis and does favors for her, so he gets to work on the rush job. The next few pages are extremely detailed descriptions of the armor with especial focus on the shield and the decorations on the face of it. Half a dozen paragraphs start with “Upon it he placed…” as Homer doesn’t hold back on the artistry of it all.
As soon as he’s done with the Iron Man montage scene, Thetis graciously accepts the armor and hurries back to her boy.
Visit Nauvoo Supply to order HEARTLANDERS, the most American novel I’ve ever written. It’s like if National Treasure happened during Fallout with G.I. Joes.
My Amazon page has my other books, including FOSSIL FORCE for young boys and Engines of Liberty for all ages.
I post several times per week on YouTube.
Subscribe here for more book reviews and for articles on what I continue to learn as I read.