Oceans, Earthquakes, and Horses (Oh My...)

The Five-Minute Iliad, #13 & 14

This is another ongoing series as I do a slow-read of THE ILIAD by Homer, translated by Rouse. Previous installments: book 1 | 2 | 3 | 4| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 & 10 | 11 & 12 |

Book 13: Little Brother Syndrome

Poseidon, who definitely has a horse in this race (heh) decides to get a little more hands-on and he pays the Greeks a visit. Hector is inside the (shoddily-built) walls now and the army is pressed up against their ships so time is running out. Poseidon whips out one of the gods’ favorite superpowers—shapeshifting—and takes on the appearance of a prophet called Calchas. Then he pays a few Greeks a visit.

First on the roster: Ajax and Ajax. I didn’t mention this earlier but there are two of them, it didn’t seem like an important detail until now. They’re not related, they just have the same name. One is huge and the other is fast. The problem is right now they’re SUPER gassed after so much nonstop fighting, and they’re all demoralized besides.

But the moment “Calchas” visits them, he casts Bardic Inspiration with Reviving Touch and Courage Boost +4, along with a special manna regeneration spell that makes their hands and feet feel very light. Then he’s like “Guys, go kill Trojans,” before he walks off, and Ajax and Ajax look at each other and they’re BEYOND hyped.

“Bro!

“BRO!”

“I THINK THAT WAS POSEIDON, BRO!”

“BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” (etc)

Poseidon pays visits to other leaders like Idomeneus (who I’ve mentioned before, he’s the king of Crete, and he gets some major action in this book) and Meriones. Though he’s the god of the sea, he’s also the god of horses (and he has an epic stable underwater where he parked his chariot before going on this little adventure) and the god of earthquakes, so he’s sending the Greeks to shake the earth on his behalf here.

Thus equipped with their buffs, the Greeks smash into the Trojan army, who—in their defense—hold the line admirably. (Easy to do when Zeus has his cheat codes in play on their hero Hector.) Nevertheless, the Ajaxes, Meriones, and Idomeneus STACK bodies. It becomes a roster wipe for Troy as we get the history of who-killed-who and how. Even the gods have some sons and grandsons who get folded in this fight.

As it happened before with Diomedes, Aeneas finds himself squaring off against a god-touched Greek, only instead of Athena, this one has Poseidon in his corner. The battle between Aeneas and Idomeneus (with his epic thunderbolt armor) is awesome. Menelaus even comes into the fight after they’re done, just to remind them all how much he hates Troy for stealing his girl.

The Greeks would have won the battle, except Hector was just that good, and he kept the Trojan army from being completely overwhelmed. The battle ends with an eagle flying overhead, and this is where it’s worth pointing out that the Greeks are very pious and believe in omens, while Hector doesn’t put stock in it at all. Ajax and the others are animated by the sight of the eagle and while they’re upset they haven’t won the battle outright, they take it as a sign that something good is coming. No spoilers.

Book 14: Divine Hoe Behavior

I mean, I guess it’s not really “hoe behavior” since they’re married, but there are definitely dishonest intentions at play here…hang on, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Down on the ground, the Greeks are licking their wounds, and Agamemnon even floats the idea of getting everyone into the ships and sailing away. Odysseus dresses him down in front of the others for the very notion. While they’re arguing over this, Hera watches from Olympus, and she gets a very base idea to help her favored nation.

She goes and locks herself in her very special chambers that nobody else can get into, and she gets herself all purdied up and cleaned and dressed in her best stuff—I don’t know what women’s clothes are called, it’s like revealing and whatever—and she does her hair up and shaves her legs and wears perfume and even makes a quick stop at Aphrodite’s Secret to pick up something extra special for this occasion, and finally she teams up with “Sleep” (Hypnos) for a strategy session.

With everything in place, she flies from Olympos down to Zeus’s little cloud fortress where he’s watching the battle and fortifying Hector. The perfume hits Zeus like a truck and he folds almost immediately, not knowing that the special item from Aphrodite—a “girdle of desire”—is casting +16 Horniness and -19 Inhibition. Hera walks all sultry around him and touches him on the arm or whatever and asks if he’s been working out, and how did he get so funny? Zeus, whose brain immediately devolves into caveman mode, congratulates himself for Still Having It, and he pitches this wild idea to Hera that they should definitely Do It right here, right now.

Hera, naturally, is scandalized but tantalized by the idea, not least of all because it would distract Zeus from Hector. However, they couldn’t possibly Get It On in the open like this, the mortals are watching! So Zeus snaps his fingers and wraps them in a nest of golden love clouds, and they dance the Divine Hibbity Dibbity. It’s the best thirty-eight seconds of Hera’s life, after which Hypnos works his magic and puts Zeus to sleep. Operation Midnight Thunder is a success.

Without his brother screwing things up (heh), Poseidon can now openly turn the tide against Troy. Hector, who is suddenly very confused at the lost of his protagonist status, has to pull his men away from the Greek ships because they are getting it. Ajax even knocks Hector down with a huge rock. They really like to do that in this book. (Ajax is stopped and Hector is spared because Zeus wakes up and throws a thunderbolt between them.)

The battle is epic, as they always are in this story, and the Greeks regain significant ground, though the war still needs to play out. Zeus is mad at Hera, but not too mad, because didn’t matter, had s*x. (And they’re married so that’s okay.)

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