An Unstoppable Force Throws An Immovable Object
The Five-Minute Iliad, #11 & 12
This is another ongoing series as I do a slow-read of THE ILIAD by Homer, translated by Rouse. Previous installments: book 1 | 2 | 3 | 4| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 & 10 |
I continue to double-these up as part of the new schedule. Here we go!
Book 11
Open warfare between the Greeks and Trojans on the beach! Let’s rock! Remember how Diomedes became an unholy killing machine back in book 4? Well now it’s Agamemnon’s turn, as he puts a performance on for the ages, and we’re reminded why this guy is king. Once again, Brian Cox was horribly miscast to play this man, he’s even bigger than Achilles!
Even knowing that Hector has the naked favor of Zeus, the Greeks rally behind their king as he stacks bodies on the battlefield. He’s so dangerous that Hector stays back while he’s out there…although this is the result of some divine cheating. Zeus, who’s still chilling in the clouds and watching this play out, sends Iris (goddess of rainbows) to tell Hector what to do: abstain from battle until Agamemnon is injured, and when he is, he’ll withdraw, at which point Hector can enter the fray.
Before long, Agamemnon takes a hit that he can’t ignore (he tries at first, but after enough blood loss he’s basically in the same amount of pain as a woman in labor), so he leaves and is replaced at the forefront by Odysseus and Diomedes. It isn’t long before the latter runs into Hector and, using all his strength, chucks his huge spear directly into Hector’s helmet, hitting it so hard that it throws him backward and really rings his bell. Epic hit, but it doesn’t kill him. A dizzy Hector gets up and jumps into his chariot to get away.
While Diomedes is gloating, Paris that insufferable pantywaste, jumps out from behind a boulder and pumps an arrow into Diomedes, pinning his foot to the ground. Paris talks some serious trash about landing a blow. Diomedes, annoyed at such a piddling little injury, claps back with some mad freestyling and you just know there was a bard in the wings somewhere to drop a fat beat on it.
Hide yourself and pull your bow! Come and steal a wife and go!
Frizzle-head with pretty curls, you can make eyes at pretty girls!
(This goes on for a moment.) Diomedes basically says he’s going to rip him in half and make his women and children cry. Unfortunately he’s forced to retreat and tend to his foot, leaving Odysseus alone at the front, surrounded by vicious Trojan warriors…who have all suddenly fallen into his trap. (Homer describes the coming action as a bunch of hunting dogs who are about to get gored to death by a single boar.)
Odysseus opens up a whole 12-can case of whoopa$$. The count in a single paragraph is two dead and four wounded bad enough that they can’t keep fighting, and he ain’t even done yet. One man, Socos, is able to injure Odysseus’s shield arm, but Odysseus puts a spear in his back as he’s running away, adding to his kill count. He’s rescued by the next wave when Ajax comes in and starts busting heads.
Hector hears of this and gets ready to square up with Ajax, but the latter has to retreat, as there are too many Trojans for him to overcome. The Greek heroes escape.
And here we take a hard cut back out to the beach, where Achilles is watching from his ship, just chilling, probably drinking a lo-carb Monster. He sees Nestor bringing the injured back to the boats, and sends Patroclus to go check that out. Nestor complains to Patroclus that Achilles could be helping out there, but he’s not fighting and the men are suffering for it.
Here’s where Nestor pitches Patroclus an idea: why don’t you put on Achilles’ armor and go into battle?
In the business, we call this…
Book 12
Troy has now driven the Greek army back to their ships, and within the fortified wall that they hastily threw up to defend themselves. It’s a good wall…for a few minutes. The Trojans attack it directly. “The gods did not consent to the building; and therefore it did not stand long.” Shoulda paid the sacrifice tax, my guy.
Prior to the attack, Hector receives advice from one of the wiser men in his army, Polydamas, who interprets some signs in the sky (birds hunting snakes on the ground) as omens and portents of what is to come—and in a hilarious turn of events, Hector immediately replies with what I myself was thinking: “Dude, you’re telling me to watch birds and base my strategy off of that? Instead of doing what Zeus says to do? Are you [expletive] stupid? Dude.” I dunno, I laughed.
Hector attacks the Greeks. Zeus sends a gust of wind to blow sand into the Greeks’ faces. Things are just not going the Greeks’ way.
A key player in the attack is Sarpedon of Lycia. The Lycians were allies of Troy, but not Trojan by blood. Glaucus, who made a really unbalanced metal trade earlier, was also Lycian. They were really good fighters and the Trojans used them as a sort of “special forces” unit. Bonus points, Sarpedon is the literal son of Zeus and a mortal woman, so he enjoys even higher demigod status than Achilles.
Also mirroring Achilles, Sarpedon values battlefield glory over long life and comfort. He understands the true cost of good trappings back home: it isn’t birthright or wealth, but the willingness to kill or die in service of one’s nation. He gives a great speech to Glaucus before jumping into the fray. Both Lycians end up facing off against Ajax, but they are successful in tearing a hole in the Greek wall.
The fight is grueling and bitter—Homer compares it to the desperation with which a single mother sells wool to feed her kids—and Zeus lets it go on for a while, before finally nudging Hector along, and he rallies his men for a final push through the wall. He even picks up a HUGE rock that not even two strong men could have handled (“but Zeus made it light in his hands”) and he uses it to bust the gates open. He jumps through the gate, weapons in hand, aura-farming like there’s no tomorrow. “No man alive could have checked that rush.” The Greeks panic and flee before him.
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