Apologies and Side Quests
The Five-Minute Iliad, #9 & 10
This is another ongoing series as I do a slow-read of THE ILIAD by Homer, translated by Rouse. Previous installments: book 1 | 2 | 3 | 4| 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |
Okay it’s time to go up-tempo with this project or I’ll be at it all year. We’re 33% done so if I double up on books each week, I’ll wrap by the end of the summer. Man I love the summer. This is awesome. Okay, here we go!
Book 9
We Got Pwn’d
King Agamemnon has a rare moment where he gets real with his army and admits that they just got their heads handed to them by Hector, now that the Trojans have the naked favor of Zeus on the battlefield. It’s all they can do to throw up a wall and hide behind it long enough to catch their breaths; come the morn, Hector will be upon them. It’s time for Agamemnon to panic, open the briefcase, and press the giant red button that surely marks the end of all things: apologize.
He sends Odysseus and Ajax to Achilles with a sweet, sweet offer. “Yo homie, look, I’m really sorry I stole your girl, in much the same way that Paris stole Helen from my brother, and in a seriously ironic twist that’s what started this whole mess, but here’s my offer if you’ll come back and fight for me on the battlefield because boy howdy we are getting worked by this Hector guy.”
The Offer
First, a signing bonus: if Achilles the demigod returns to Agamemnon’s service he’ll get
Briseis, his slave-girlfriend, who totally wasn’t diddled by Agamemnon (pinky promise)
Seven Lesbians (these were literal women from the Isle of Lesbos, and not of the modern parlance; Lesbians were skilled tradeschicks and could make things of great value, in addition to being smoking hot.) They were very valuable in the context of spoils and you could more accurately call them Uber Tradwives.
Ten talents of gold (that’s a lot of money)
Twenty cauldrons (yeah I don’t get this one either)
Twelve really good horses
Seven tripods “that have never been placed on a fire” (dude what)
As a performance bonus, Agamemnon works this into the contract: if they sack Troy, Achilles will get
As much gold and silver as his Myrmidon ships can hold
The twenty hottest Trojan chicks he can find (minus Helen, because again, that’s kind of what started this mess)
One of Agamemnon’s daughters in marriage (player’s choice!) plus a massive dowry
Seven entire cities back in Greece.
Literal boats an’ hoes, you guys. On top of stacks. Can you imagine the rap song about this?
The Answer
Achilles just stares at Odysseus and is like “Bro. Come on now. We know this guy, we know what he’s about, I ain’t falling for it.” Agamemnon’s long record of hoarding most spoils and dealing too little to the men under his command has come back to bite him. Achilles also resents Agamemnon’s moral character, and says that a man should love his woman. He doesn’t care to fight the Trojans any more and especially under these conditions.
Achilles is gonna load up his boats with treasure and sail home and be done with this mess. He tells Odysseus and the others to do what they can to help the troops because they can’t beat Hector with Zeus in his pocket. After some more bants, another reason comes out of Achilles, and he conveys a message he got from his mother:
If he stays and fights at Troy, he’ll die but become the center of an immortal legend. If he leaves and goes home, he’ll enjoy extreme wealth and comfort, but die a nobody. Not a small decision.
There’s a third man with Odysseus and Ajax, Phoenix, who was Achilles’ surrogate/foster father, and he makes a plea to Achilles to reconsider leaving. He relates the story of Meleagros, a Greek hero who killed a huge boar but couldn’t settle on shares of spoils with his uncles. He abstained from further fighting out of pride and anger, until enemies attacked his city and reached his home. He was then compelled to fight and for the promise of no spoils at all. Better to fight than to surrender to pride.
Achilles still won’t be swayed. Odysseus returns to Agamemnon with the bad news. Diomedes says they should eat and sleep and get ready to fight tomorrow.
Book 10
This one is a little shorter and self-contained, away from the main action, and the first few pages of it are kind of boring with deliberative dialogue. The skinny of it is that Diomedes (ever the restless soul) wants to go kill something because it’s been, like, three whole hours since he busted skulls and he’s starting to get The Twitch, so he plans a night mission to scout out the Trojan lines and see what’s up.
Odysseus goes with him, since he’ll need someone to have his back (lol) so he won’t get bored. Unbeknownst to them, the Trojans also send out an ugly guy named Dolon to do the same thing to Greece. He wears a wolf pelt cloak (based) and a “pole cat hat” (lmao what?!). Check out Dirty Daniel Boone, y’all! Freaking skunk hat. I’m glad this guy is going to die.
Spoilers. Whoops. As you might imagine, Dolon bumps into Diomedes in the dark and immediately folds at the prospect of physical pain. Odysseus and Diomedes interrogate him, learn about the Trojan encampments, then kill him anyway and mark his shallow grave so they can find it on their way back. They advance into Dolon’s base camp, among the Thracian contingent of Troy, whereupon they find the Thracian King, Rhesus. Diomedes and Odysseus proceed to beat wholesale a$$, killing Rhesus and twelve more besides, then stealing some really sweet horses which they ride back to the Greek camp.
Nice little commando-style side quest where they get their spirits back up, rattle the Trojans a little, and conclude by offering sacrifices to Athena for the help.
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