The O-Daddy-sy
The Five-Minute Odyssey, #2
Like the Five-Minute Iliad, this series will cover Homer’s other famous poem, but in fewer installments.
Previous installments: Part 1
I am using the Butler translation. Subscribe to follow along.
The first four books followed Telemachus (“The Telemachy”) as he journeyed from Ithaca to Pyros to Sparta in order to learn more about his father. Now we check in on Odysseus, and start piecing together his past ever since he left Troy.
Book 5
Athena has another tete-a-tete with Zeus and pushes him to make good on their previous agreement to help Odysseus get home. Zeus nods thoughtfully to himself (he’s really thinking about marital infidelity and how he holds the record) and says “Let me get right on that. I’ll handle the entire thing myself. Personally.” And he sends Hermes to take care of it.
Hermes rolls up on Calypso’s island, where Odysseus has been forced and definitely not persuaded to have cough sex cough with her on a regular basis, he totally didn’t want to do her I meant it, noooooo…he’s definitely faithful to what’s-her-name back in Ithaca who probably hasn’t lost her figure. Hopefully. The messenger of the gods tells Calypso that it’s time to cut Odysseus loose. Calypso is bummed about this but she can’t do squat to defy the gods, so she has to let him go. Too bad, he was quite a catch. She was even going to make him immortal if he stayed there, constantly doing the Island Boogie with her, but no. Carnal coercions aside, he actually does love Penelope and won’t give up on her.
Odysseus builds a raft and hits the surf. Things are going swimmingly for a couple of weeks until he sees land, and speaking of seeing things, Poseidon spots him on the water. Things are then going VERY swimmingly when Poseidon’s like “Nah, **** that guy” and completely smashes his raft to pieces with huge waves. We’re still not given the details on Poseidon’s beef with Odysseus, but it’s coming.
Book 6
Odysseus landed on the shores of Scheria, land of the Phaeacians, which I admit does not roll off the tongue with any ease. Trust me, it made my eyes water every time I read it. Weird name. Anyways. He was bum-arse naked and had to hide in the bushes, and he was in bad shape after that epic wipeout in the open water. Athena heads into town and uses her nudge-nudge powers on a girl named Nausicaa, hitting her with that overwhelming female biological urge to do laundry. Nausicaa heads to the water with her maids where they discover a hot naked war veteran daddy badly in need of a scrub-down (are we sure Homer wasn’t just WAY ahead of current BookTok trends?).
Nausicaa and the maids give Odysseus his spa day, with much careful placement of hands so as to avoid contacting uhhhhh certain areas, and when they’re done giving him a makeover with their eyes closed, they hook him up with some clothes and other niceties, then they all run away, leaving Odysseus to be wreathed in some very strategically-placed mist courtesy of Athena. I guess she can do that now. But he’s clean and modest and life is good. Nausicaa heads back to her father’s estate in town, and Odysseus hangs back so as not to arrive at the same time as them. It would start rumors, and he doesn’t want to cause her any problems.
Book 7
I didn’t take a whole lot of notes here, the general thrust of book 7 is that Odysseus meets Nausicaa’s parents, Alcinous and Arete (the local monarchy.) They receive him as a guest in need and they’re curious to hear his very entertaining story, and he’s keen to tell it, though he avoids giving them his name. Arete recognizes the clothes he’s wearing and that she made them herself, meaning they came from Nausicaa.
Alcinous very hastily offers Odysseus his daughter’s hand in marriage and a place in his own house, but Odysseus punts on this offer for the same reason he punted on immortality. If Calypso couldn’t make him forget Penelope, a Scherian laundry princess probably won’t be more tempting.
Book 8
Alcinous’ generosity pours over into the next day and he offers to send Odysseus on his way again with a new ship. Scheria prepares a going-away party for the guy who just showed up, complete with games and songs and performances by a bard; the bard starts singing songs about Troy and the Wooden Horse and other exploits with which Odysseus is quite familiar, thank you, and he’s visibly affected by the performance.
Alcinous outright asks Odysseus who he is, and Odysseus does a big ol’ windup to his own musical number, and then…
…tune in next time, on DragonBall Z!
No seriously, I peeked ahead and I didn’t even plan it this way, but the Odyssey is divided up into tetralogies by design, whereas the Iliad really worked better one book at a time? Or maybe I didn’t notice that because I just took it one book at a time. But yeah, this story works great in blocks of four, and the next four books are basically Odysseus telling Alcinous his story.
So brace for that. We’re about to find out what the heck happened.
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