When Pigs Fly, Part 3/3
Rejected Shorts
(AI image, not indicative of final robot)
I wrote this for an anthology pitch that wanted a giant hypersonic military robot that had a playful heart of a child. It got rejected, but it’s still a fun piece. I’m posting it in segments here.
WHEN PIGS FLY
Copyright 2024 by Graham Bradley
***
Charger locked on with his first AMRAAM and let it rip, racing straight for the bandit as it came for him head-on. Hotrod had already moved into weapons envelope, taking up Charger’s seven o’clock at a slightly higher altitude. He also let off an AMRAAM, giving the Doghouse—as they had quickly taken to calling it—two targets to deal with.
Against all predictions, the Doghouse suddenly righted itself in the air, reversed thrust, and held a hovering position at three thousand feet, stabilizing almost immediately. It brought the minigun to bear and, with two quick bursts, made short and precise work of the incoming missiles.
“What the hell was that?” Hotrod demanded. He had already locked a second AMRAAM and put on some extra throttle, overtaking Charger to close the distance, but Hotrod’s second missile met a similar fate. Before either of them could get another word out, the remaining six Hellfires issued forward out of the missile pod at once, homing in on Hotrod like a flock of geese.
There was no time to think, almost no time to speak. Charger shouted the first and only word that came to mind, the result of hours and hours and hours of emergency training, hoping it was enough:
“EJECT! EJECT!”
The canopy exploded off Hotrod’s Raptor. The pilot’s seat lanced upward into the sky in a shower of light and smoke as three of the six missiles cut through the mighty warplane, instantly turning it into a flying scrapheap. Roaring with anger, Charger banked right to avoid the Doghouse, trying to circle back so he could see Hotrod’s chute open.
“Hatchet One to Tower, Hatchet Two is lost, repeat, Hotrod punched out at last known coordinates! He’s headed for the water!”
“Copy that Hatchet One, Coast Guard has a vessel off Connecticut that can reach him in less than twenty minutes. Your orders are to return to base, do not engage bandit alone.”
Charger pushed the throttle forward again, heading for McGuire. “Confirmed, Tower. Problem is…this thing is faster than me…”
The little green dot on the radar started moving closer to the center.
***
>Minos, target identified: F-22 Raptor, United States Air Force
>Armaments: AMRAAM (5), M61A2 Vulcan 20mm gun (480)
>Occupants: Pilot (1)
>Communicants: McGuire AFB, E7-A Wedgetail Overwatch
>Estimated destination: McGuire AFB. [Retreating.]
>Pursue.
>Vulnerability [Minor] Offensive capability [Elevated]
>Engaging…
***
“Annie, if we can’t replace the bad code, can we ride alongside it? Maybe add a few branches to clarify things?” Henry asked.
“Not in this state, Henry. I’m sorry,” said the AI in an emotionless voice. “This constitutes a change and Minos will not accept that in combat.”
“Then we need to emphasize something it’s already using,” Henry thought.
Behind him and Janet, Carly was still running in circles, singing the song over and over.
Henry bit his lip, trying to think.
There was one thing that might work…
***
>Transmission inbound…operating system update patch…
>Patch denied.
>Administrative override initiated.
>Null. Minos in active pursuit.
>Administrative parallel activated. Run file.
>Subject identified: Watson, Carly, age 3 [Value imperative]
> “She makes friends with one and all…”
> “She makes friends with one and all…”
> “She makes friends with one and all…”
> UH-60 Black Hawk, Target Neutralized
> “No, Piggie! That’s not nice!”
> F-22 Raptor, Target Neutralized
> “No, Piggie! That’s not nice!”
> F-22 Raptor, Target in process…
> “She makes friends with one and all…”
>…
>…
>…
> Base Minos parameters archived.
> New parameters accepted. Designation: Piggie.
***
Henry slumped in the chair, feeling like he’d aged five years in a matter of minutes.
“Did it work?” Janet asked, biting her lip nervously.
He laughed. He stared at the code and actually laughed. “Yeah. It listened to Carly telling it off. Minos stood down and restacked its own priorities. I’m gonna buy stock in that stupid cartoon.”
“Daddy that’s a mean word!” Carly said, in a tone exactly like Janet’s.
“Daddy’s very sorry, sweetie,” Henry said, unable to stop chuckling. “Daddy will apologize to Piggie Wigstaff.”
“Piggie can fly!” Carly said.
“That she can.”
“Uh, Henry?” Janet pointed hesitantly out the window. Frowning, Henry stood up and saw the familiar shape of the Minos fuselage as it rocketed over the skyline, using its two free limbs to grab the swaying taglines under the cumbersome Piggie Wigstaff balloon. A few seconds later the powerful automaton had tugged the oversized mascot over three city blocks and was lowering itself onto all fours in the middle of the street right outside of Henry’s building.
Carly could not be controlled at that point. She practically leapt off Janet and ran downstairs, squealing like a piglet as she raced for the front door. Henry hurried after her and unlocked the security bolt, grinning like an idiot. Hard to believe it had been thirty minutes since Grant called him. As soon as he opened the door, he ran into his co-workers, Allred and Hill, who had waited on his doorstep throughout the ordeal.
“Oh, hey guys.”
Allred was on the phone. “Wait, here he is, Greeley.” Allred pressed his phone into Henry’s hand. “Boss has been trying to reach you.”
Despite himself, Henry took the call, watching as Janet followed Carly out into the street, his daughter shouting with unfiltered joy at the giant Piggie balloon overhead. The Minos unit powered down, unfortunately blocking traffic, but they could fix that in a few minutes.
“Sir,” Henry said.
“Congratulations, Watson,” Grant said, in a very different tone from the one he’d had half an hour ago. “I’ve got Colonel Andolsek on the phone, I told him he’d want to meet the man responsible for this bit of fast thinking. Colonel, this is Henry Watson, lead programmer for the Minos operating system, and the man who was able to fix that K-WAK Universal patch that I was telling you about.”
Henry froze, thinking fast. This whole incident had nothing to do with K-WAK…but that was okay. It took him about two seconds to figure out why Grant would have said this with a SecDef proxy on the call. Grant hated K-WAK. Everyone did. Their software was like a bad rash that corrupted everything it touched. He hadn’t even begun to think about how he would explain this pissup to Congress, especially since it resulted in two downed military aircraft, but leave it to Grant to play the political game well.
Henry cleared his throat. “Colonel, pleasure to meet you.”
“K-WAK, huh,” said Colonel Andolsek. “Senator Curtis’ doing. I can’t say I’m surprised. Nevertheless, thanks for your skills, Mister Watson. You probably saved lives today. We’ll sort this mess out later. Greeley, if that’s the end of it, I’ll call you after the holiday. Happy Thanksgiving, gentlemen.”
There was a click, and Andolsek left the call. Henry knew better than to say much more on the phone, even if it was technically secure. Greeley breathed a sigh of relief.
“Bright and early tomorrow, Henry. We’ll get this mess all sorted out. Enjoy the holiday. You’ve earned it.”
Henry beamed, watching Carly as she skipped in circles around one of the Minos unit’s legs, singing the stupid theme song again. “Any chance I can get a raise after this, boss?”
“HA!” Grant said, without a hint of joy. “When pigs fly.”
***