Paris Just Sucks
The Five-Minute Iliad, #3
This is another ongoing series as I do a slow-read of THE ILIAD by Homer, translated by Rouse. Previous installments include book 1 and 2.
Will Somebody Please Kill Paris
I need you to accept that I will constantly compare The Iliad to the 2004 film Troy, and even if I’m being unfair, I’m not wrong to do so: the film could have been so much more than what it was, but in deleting the gods from the story, Wolfgang Peterson removed one of the key driving forces of the narrative.
There are also pieces missing from the overall story that The Iliad alone does not contain: when the story begins, Troy has already been under siege for eight years and just entered its ninth. It doesn’t end with the sacking of Troy, but with the defeat of Hector. The rest of what we know to be the full story is contained in other Homeric works. Thus, when the story opens, Paris (son of Priam, king of Troy—played by Orland Bloom in the movie) has already taken Helen of Achaia from her husband, Menelaus, and spirited her away to Troy. This prompts the siege.
After nearly a decade of humiliation and frustration, the Greeks propose to Troy that they end this war with a ritually-observed duel: a Greek versus a Trojan. Whoever wins gets to keep Helen, and the fight is over. Menelaus challenges Paris, who wronged him by stealing his wife all those years ago. Paris agrees. He and Menelaus deck themselves out with sweet armor, spears, shields, swords, and helmets. Then they draw lots to see who gets to chuck their spear first.
Menelaus, btw, is the younger brother of Agamemnon, and they’re both physically units. Agamemnon was criminally miscast as Brian Cox, and while Brendan Gleeson has a strong screen presence, I daresay he was wrong for the role of Menelaus. But I digress: Paris gets to chuck his spear first. It hits Menelaus’ shield and basically does nothing. Menelaus returns fire and does a little damage to Paris—nothing significant—and instead falls back on his sword, which breaks just a few times after Menelaus strikes Paris’ helm.
This is where the gods start to play their cheat cards—specifically Aphrodite flies down to Earth, spirits Paris away, heals his wounds, drops him in bed, gets him cleaned up and naked, then finds Helen down in Ilium (Troy) and takes her to Paris. Despite Helen stating more than once that she regrets turning her back on her spouse, she still gets it on with Paris, all while a very confused Menelaus is walking around town trying to figure out where the hell Paris went.
Menelaus curses Zeus for being a mean god and not delivering Paris up into his hands for just revenge; Paris, meanwhile, lies to Helen and claims he was spared by Athena, not Aphrodite. This dude causes nothing but problems for everybody and he just sucks. I’m firmly on Team Menelaus here.
In the movie, Menelaus slaps Paris around and is supposed to kill him, but Hector intervenes and says no. Things escalate from there, but that’s it—no divine intervention, nothing. It’s just a scuffle between two dudes who want to hook up with the same chick, and the younger dude’s older brother gets involved, and things escalate out of petty personal motivations.
The book, it will not surprise you, was better.
Go read my boy’s adventure novel FOSSIL FORCE, set in the Utah desert, featuring four friends who use ancient power armors to defend the surface from a hollow-earth invasion.