Okay, so I saw the new Transformers movie.

I'm revising my rating down to about 7/10. Still worth seeing, but a second viewing exposed some flaws.

For a toy franchise that started in 1984 as a spinoff of a different Japanese toy line, and then became a cartoon existing primarily to sell said toys, Transformers garners a lot of loyalty from worldwide fans. Even the cult-classic 1986 movie enjoyed some circulation on VHS and DVD until the live-action movie in 2007, which is also well-loved, if a bit of a mess.

Six movies later, and the norm is established for these films: you’re going to get some visual spectacle, a middling human cast, a bit of globetrotting, some decent soundtrack, and if you’re lucky, a story. As in the beginning, these movies exist to move merch.

If the 2007 movie was well-loved, the 2009 sequel Revenge of the Fallen is a punchline punching bag. Average commentators will point out that the script was a victim of the 2007 Writer’s Strike, while elite analysts know it was a victim of the writers themselves, Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman. Orci has his fingerprints on a lot of turds but Kurtzman rubs his turds all over established franchises, and has been doing so for literally decades. Take a look at his filmography and you’ll understand the problem.

Michael Bay takes the heat because he’s the director, which is fair, but I personally don’t think he ruined the movies by any direct action—I think he just didn’t give a damn and phoned it in for the paycheck. Whatever the hack writing room threw at him, he put on camera, and then went on to direct the war movies that he really wanted to make for Paramount.

In 2011 we got Dark of the Moon, which didn’t make *less* sense than 2007’s Transformers, and wasn’t as egregious as ROTF, despite still having its share of problems. The upward trajectory was enough to get me into the theater at midnight for Age of Extinction, which was the exact point that I realized I was the problem for enabling these movies to be made.

I never thought I’d say it, but Mark Wahlberg and his stripper daughter and her pedophile boyfriend made me miss Shia.

As terrible as that movie was, it overperformed in China and the South Pacific, so Paramount greenlit at fifth one, and we got The Last Knight. I refused to see it and still haven’t. It tanked, and it was so bad that Paramount canceled any and all potential sequels attached to its storyline. If I ever watch it, I will do so to monetize my hatred.

Then Bumblebee came along and holy crap, there was still life in this thing as long as it was handled properly. Who could have figured that out? (A fan, that’s who.) But I think at that point the damage was done, people were tired of Transformers, and then the Coof happened, and we waited five long years to get another movie.

The big question is: does it suck?

It does not suck.

Is it great?

It is not great, but it is pretty good, and very watchable, and the string-pullers took their job seriously.

This does not mean the movie is without flaws.

Thus, after such a length preamble, let’s get into the meat and potatoes of it.

WHO? The Characters

On the Autobot side, you have Optimus Prime (now as a cabover Freightliner, which I wholly endorse); Bumblebee, Mirage, Arcee, Wheeljack, and Stratosphere.

Maximals, you have Optimus Primal, Cheetor, Rhinox, Airazor, and a very brief cameo by Apelinq, which I don’t understand, but okay. (I mean he’s literally not even a canon character, someone called in a favor there…)

Terrorcons, you basically just have Scourge, Battletrap, and Nightbird, then a whole bunch of expendable spider/scorpion things. Unicron is at the top of the food chain.

Then finally, on the human roster, you have Noah Diaz and Elena Wallace, plus a whole bunch wypipo bad (who are bad.)

I liked this version of Prime, one who doubted himself for the struggles his team has faced in the last seven years. (This is a direct sequel to Bumblebee, but a lateral step away from it.) They came to Earth and they don’t have a way off of it. When they have a chance to get one, Optimus will take it, no matter the cost.

Arcee is a supporting character, a voice of reason and a hired gun. Bumblebee gets back-seated in this movie, which is fine, he’s been a screen hog since 2007. He does have an epic moment or two though. Stratosphere is yet another junker airplane, like Jetfire from ROTF, but the reason they had him that way makes sense for the third act. It positions him on the sidelines and then puts him in a good spot to make a cavalry rescue when the time is right.

Any other review of this movie will describe Mirage as a scene-stealer, and that is dead accurate. He’s flashy and flamboyant, but damn, he isn’t annoying—and for a character voiced by Pete Davidson, that is a surprise. I really liked his performance and it was cool to see a sportscar tagalong character who talked. As one would hope, he also has heart, and when he meets Noah’s family, he takes their concerns seriously.

On the Maximal side, I’m torn. We got great characterization out of Primal and Airazor…and that’s it. Cheetor had three lines, Rhinox had none. They were just accessory characters. Spoiler alert, Airazor dies, and it’s handled similar to Black Widow in Endgame. You’re meant to feel it, it has consequence, and it can’t be undone. She tests the Maximal oath of “No Matter The Cost.” Which is great, I just wish it hadn’t been done with such a well-loved character. They could have added a fifth Maximal, another flier, like Prowl or something, but I suppose that would have taken away from the gravity of her loss. We didn’t even get to see her transform.

With the Terrorcons, I was satisfied. The faceless henchmen weren’t pushovers but the named baddies were actually very dangerous. Scourge has dark power from Unicron, and he handled Prime like a boss. His trophy-hunting was a nice touch too, tearing emblems from the ones he killed, and on top of that, he was intelligent. He knew not to bite off more than he could chew.

Unicron was more of a Sauron-like presence. He had a few bits of communion with Scourge and the others, there was dialogue, but he was a distant threat to be handled, not an immediate danger to Earth. That’s fine, it leaves more for later.

Finally, the human characters: Noah Diaz kind of has no flaws at first. He’s an ex-soldier with experience in telecom tech, but he’s taking care of a sick younger brother and a working single mom. Based on the flags hanging in his Brooklyn apartment, he’s from the country of Wu-Tang, Puerto Rico. When he was in the Army we’re told he wasn’t a team player, without really getting any information on that, but it damages his ability to get a job. Also he was going to work for a white guy but the white guy said “I don’t need someone like you messing up what I’ve built” and it was delivered to make it sound like it wasn’t what it was, but it was what it was, let’s be real. The writers wanted to have some racicicicisms without being overt, they just weren’t as clever about hiding it as they thought.

Which brings us to Elena Wallace, a Black Hermione character who knows everything although we’re not really sure how. We get a glimpse at her family life, that her father was a cabbie who talked to tons of people, but other than that…nothing. Did she go to college and study archaeology or anthropology? The humanities? History? Don’t know. Maybe she grew up in a library. We just know that she knows everything, and her evil boss takes credit for all the stuff she knows. Is this because her boss is generally a bad person, or is her boss a bad person because she’s hhhhhhhhhwhite?

I’m gonna let you guess the answer. That’s what the writers do.

Annoying, and un-subtle, but there it is. Fortunately that stuff only pops up in the first fifteen minutes or so of the movie. Later on there’s a joke where Wheeljack calls Noah racist, and I lol’d.

WHAT? The Plot

Unicron is a very big bad robot who eats planets. Problem is, he’s slow, and planets are far apart. He wants a piece of Maximal technology called the trans-warp key so he can hop from galaxy to galaxy with ease, eating everything along the way. The Maximals take the key and hide it on Earth.

Unicron sends the Terrorcons to scour the galaxy and find the key. Optimus wants the key so he can get the Autobots back to Cybertron. The Maximals want to keep the key hidden so Unicron stays trapped in a distant galaxy. Noah wants a job so he can pay his brother’s doctor to take care of him, and Elena wants…probably recognition for all of the smart stuff she knows.

It’s a MacGuffin hunt, like all of these movies. It’s laid out clearly and makes sense, so there’s that.

WHERE/WHEN? The Setting

Brooklyn, in the 90s. They drive that point home pretty hard. It isn’t anyone saving the world more than Brooklyn (baby). When it comes time to globetrot, they go to Peru and spend some time at Machu Picchu, and then wrap everything up nicely at the top of a random volcano that, for some reason, has a massive…evil base or something on it? In the prologue it was Maximal technology, but it just comes together out of nothing, which I didn’t understand. Oh well.

Since the director wanted to anchor it so hard to the 90s, most of the soundtrack was 90s hip-hop and rap, instead of the previously enjoyed Steve Jablonsky scores. I didn’t hate it or anything, it was just a different fit for the franchise, like Guardians of the Galaxy being full of Dad Rock. I like the Jablonsky scores for the old movies, this was just trying something new. There was a slight hint of the Autobot fanfare during the final fight scene. It’s still there, just backseated.

WHY? The Motivation

I touched on this in the character section above. Unicron wants to eat planets, Optimus Prime wants to go home, Optimus Primal wants to protect Earth, and Noah wants to take care of his family. Elena’s out for number one. Standard fare, and for the most part it’s well-executed.

Like I said on Radcracker, the basic measuring stick for these movies is: do they make more sense than what was written by Orci/Kurtzman? Are the characters better than Shia LaBeouf? Once you have the answer to those, you’ll know where your current movie stands. Rise of the Beasts makes more sense and the characters were a least a little less spastic and more relatable than Shia.

HOW? The Execution

I’ll just say here that the pacing was solid. Only one or two stretches had scenes that I wished went a little faster. The action was a little protracted at the end, but you got the epic moments that you wanted, and the victory that the characters deserved. Nothing was overly easy or hamfisted together. That’s well done.

Call it the Marvel Effect, but this reboot/sideways sequel is also trying to set up a cinematic universe. At the end of the movie, Noah gets recruited by G.I. Joe. I suppose if this movie does well enough and sells the right amount of toys, we’ll get a crossover in a few years.

It could be good. We’ll see. I won’t crap on it right out of the gate, but it does need to earn my good will after Snake Eyes.

BASED OR CRINGE?

After applying my complex scientific mathematic formula to the data above, I give Transformers: Rise of the Beasts seven out of ten, which is to say it’s at least 70 percent based, even if it isn’t thirty percent cringe. There’s some “meh” in there too and that’s fine.

To rank the Transformers movies overall, I offer the following:

FIRST: Bumblebee (2018)

SECOND: Transformers (2007)

SECOND (TIE): Rise of the Beasts (2023)

FOURTH: Dark of the Moon (2011)

FIFTH: Transformers: The Movie (1986)

TENTH: Revenge of the Fallen

SIXTEENTH: Age of Extinction

SUCK ON IT: The Last Knight

So there you go. I liked it when I saw it, and my boys had fun when I took them a few days later. Go check it out. Won’t be the best movie I’ve seen this year but I’m satisfied and my hype was rewarded.