The other night I was watching the Seeking Persephone miniseries with my wife; she became a big fan of the books (she’s been a Sarah Eden reader for years) and during an important scene in the first episode, I spotted Sarah on a pew in a church. (She’s pretty distinctive, I would have seen her even if my wife didn’t excitedly point her out.)
Anyway, that got me thinking of other instances where authors showed up in their adaptations. R.L. Stine said hello to himself in Goosebumps (2015). Jeff Lindsey was in an episode of Dexter. Stephen King has been in a couple of his movies and shows, and Lee Child appeared in both the Tom Cruise and Alan Ritchson versions of Reacher. Stan Lee was in a decade of Marvel movies. (Yes I know he didn’t create them all, yadda yadda.)
It goes on: James Dashner was sitting on the board of the Evil League Of Evil or whatever during the end of The Maze Runner (2014); Stephenie Meyer ordered a sandwich in Twilight (2008); John Green sniffed his own farts in Kids Have Cancer And Are Sad (he’s the Nicholas Sparks of YA). You get it.
Well, I’m going to open the kimono here and tell you all a secret: us indie authors, punching a clock and filing a W-2 each year, entertain wild delusions of getting cameo parts in our movies, to the extent that I know where I’d be in all of mine. You do it too.
1: The Hero Next Door
Scene: Nick Stavros, in costume as The Spartan, accidentally falls onto a basketball court in the middle of an NBA game. He runs for his life, chased by security, and as he’s fleeing up the stairs a spectator jumps out to stop him. Nick doesn’t want to, but he decks the guy to secure his escape.
Where am I? Hell yeah I’m getting my bell rung by The Spartan during a televised primetime game.
2: Engines of Liberty
Scene: During the insane climax of Patriot’s Game, there’s a giant aerial battle over New Jersey between British dragons and a flying technomancer warship called the Saint George. The dragons are almost vanquished and on the top deck of the George, a crackshot artillery officer deals the killing blow to clear the path for our heroes.
Where am I? Surprise, it’s Ya Boi on the trigger! No speaking lines, just calculating execution.
3: Howling Wilderness (part of Engines)
Scene: 50 years after the end of Patriot’s Game, the Americans have a tradition of cross-country racing with machines and animals. Magic is outlawed but that doesn’t stop people from getting creative. I put twenty-six contenders in this book and they’re all pretty well-developed, even if they don’t all have lines.
Where am I? I think it’s only a real cameo if you don’t speak, right? So put me in as Von Steuben, the guy who rides a specially-bred bison through the Appalachian Rally Classic.
4: Kill the Beast
Scene: This whole book is a spoof on Beauty & the Beast with “Gaston” as the good guy.
Where am I? When the villagers decide to storm the castle, you bet I’m in that crowd, holding a pitchfork in both hands, French-ly.
5: Heartlanders
Scene: During our heroes’ quest they stop at a few airbases that are still up and running, and at one of them the servicemen take a group photo with President Reynolds, his crew, Frank, and the Kryptonauts.
Where am I? Dress me in coveralls and put me in right behind Reynolds and Frank. Frame that thing. Hang it in the Smithsonian. “Airman, your beard is out of regulation.” Don’t care.
6: Sleepless Hollow
Scene: The book takes place in 2020 but there’s a flashback to late October, 1776, after the Battle of White Plains. Six patriot spies have stolen a Howitzer and are trying to get it back to General Greene. As they pass a Dutch farm along the Hudson, they’re ambushed by Redcoats and a Hessian rider. They all die, but not before one of the rebels (Silas Proctor) fires the Howitzer and blows off the Rider’s head.
Where am I? I’m one of the spies who goes down in a volley of British lead. Very quick. No dialogue. Just a quick little “ACK!” and I’m out.
7: Fossil Force
Scene: One night while the Sentinels are out on patrol, a massive rainstorm passes through Vina Profunda and turns the roads to mud. This causes problems at a truck stop down the highway, as a tractor-trailer gets stuck in the driveway and is spinning its wheels. Since it’s dark out, the Sentinels get behind the truck and push, then disappear into the shadows once the driver is free.
Where am I? In the cab, baby. Where else?
At least one of these will happen before I die, and you’ll all be sorry you didn’t know about it before it was made. Go buy and read all of these books or a big scary monster will eat you.
{Laughs in Alfred Hitchcock cameo]